Adele Theron - Ask Me Anything

Ask Me Anything #1

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Simon:

Okay, so today we’re going to do our first ever Ask Me Anything recording. My name’s Simon. I’m the MD here at Naked Divorce, Naked Recovery Online. I’m here with Adele.

Adele:

Hello.

Simon:

Hello. I’ll be acting as our kind of presenter, the guardian of the questions. Got lots of questions here. Thanks to everybody that sent through a question. I think they mostly came from in our database and our Reclaim Your Life website. Thanks for those. Actually had loads of questions come in. Some funny, some crazy, some a bit weird, and some really deep ones as well, some dark ones even. What I’m going to try and do today is really just basically set a bit of a random. I kind of scribbled around a couple of these I think would be good, and after that I’m just going to select a few randomly. My intention is that this will really be primarily an audio kind of product, but we’re going to do some video as well, and maybe we will whack that together in a YouTube video as well, and get it out via that way.

Simon:

Adele, are you ready?

Adele:

Yes. Hit it.

Simon:

I’m going to start [inaudible 00:01:17]. Okay, so first one. Actually before I get started, I think I did write this down, I’m going to make all these questions anonymous. Actually I haven’t even written down who the question’s come in from. We don’t always know. We’ve deliberately chosen to do that because it’s a sensitive subject. It’s relationships, or it’s personal traumas. We wanted to create an environment where people, just an anonymous channel, so we won’t be giving any shout outs to anybody.

Okay, first question I’m going to hit you with. If you could get into a time machine and go back to yourself as a 20 year old, what would be the one piece of advice would you give yourself about life?

Adele:

One. Can I have three?

Simon:

Well, okay we can do two. How about two?

Adele:

Two. Okay. I think the first thing, I mean when I was 20, life was very hectic, dramatic, everything felt-

Simon:

Where was you at 20?

Adele:

I was living in South Africa. I was in Cape Town. I was just finishing off my degree at the University of Cape Town. I remember being very stressed. I thought I knew what stress was at that time. Everything was very hectic, and very dramatic. I was a real drama queen at that age.

Simon:

At that age.

Adele:

Cheeky. Anyway, so I think what I would say to myself at that age is, with any problem that comes along, don’t get all heavy and significant about the problem, work the problem. Actually, and don’t quit. Keep going and work the problem until you find solutions, because there’s always solutions to everything.

Adele: If you look at a problem and go, “Oh, this is terrible. What are we going to do? This is like the worst thing in the world.” You’re basically just admitting defeat and getting into the drama of the problem. Actually what you need to do is grit in, dig in, and just go, “Okay, this sucks. This is crap. I don’t like it. I’m just going to work the problem until we get to a solution.” That actually, by getting into action, that delays, and sometimes can suspend the drama, which is quite cool.

Adele: The second piece of advice that I would give myself at that age, which I wish I had known in the first few years of business, is the distinction between abdication and delegation. Really the idea that if there’s an area of life that you don’t like, you can just throw it at somebody else. There’s this whole thing called admin, and marketing, and finance, and whatever, and we’re just going to hire someone and they can do it, and they can deal with it. That’s called abdication, when you basically just throw something over the fence and make it someone else’s problem.

Adele: The thing is then areas of accountability, if you own your own business there is no such thing as abdication. You’re accountable for everything. If you throw it over the fence to an accountant that doesn’t know what they’re doing, ultimately if something goes wrong you’re accountable for that thing going wrong, because it’s your business and you’re accountable for everything.

Adele: I think in the early years I really learned how to delegate properly, and that actually ultimately you have to work things out yourself, and then really train and empower the people that work with you to do it properly. I think, man, that would have saved so much time, so much money, so much everything in the early years of business. I wish I had known that. I wish somebody had said that early on, learn how to delegate properly and ask for support in the right way, as opposed to just throw stuff at random people and winge if they don’t do it properly.

Simon:

Yeah. Actually I’ll pitch in on this one a little bit as well actually, I was just thinking about it as you was talking. Very much in line with your second point. I might be in an environment where I’ll be talking to some kids soon, and I was thinking about some of the things I wanted to get across to them, and I was thinking about asking them, who wants to go into business? Now there’s only going to be a small handful that are going to put their hands up for that question, but I would really want to explain to all of them, well I’m really sorry, but actually every single one of you is a business.

Simon: Even if you’re employed by a company, it’s kind of your job to look after your finances, to take control of your life. I feel like everybody is a mini PLC. Maybe it’s a PLC of one person, but I think that would have been really good information for me to have got that at a really young age. Because for the first 10, 15 years of my career I was working for other people, and just receiving a salary, and that was fine, that was easy. I think if I had considered myself a business from the start, that would have been really beneficial.

Simon: Anyway, okay. Good. Number two. It’s been a little over a year since my separation, about six months since my divorce. I still oscillate between intense anger and intense guilt when I think about my former marriage. Now I’m starting to feel like I’m just not interested, I’m not even capable of another future relationship. The question is, how can I get over these things?

Simon: I’ll just repeat that actually, because it’s quite a long question.

Simon: It’s been a little over a year since my separation, about six months since my divorce. I still oscillate between intense anger and intense guilt when I think about my former marriage. Now I’m starting to feel like I’m not interested or not even capable of another future relationship. How can I get over these feelings?

Adele:

Yeah. I think first and foremost, thanks for the question. It’s actually really normal to oscillate between really extreme feelings when you’re kind of healing from a trauma. Don’t get me wrong, divorce is a trauma, and it’s actually a really misunderstood and really complicated trauma to get over. It’s classified in the realm of what we call a shame based trauma. Shame based traumas are really tough. It’s in the same ilk as being diagnosed with a shameful disease, like HIV or something like that. It’s a label that you get that you’re ashamed of, and it’s something that you were supposed to get right.

Adele: You were supposed to get this thing called relationships right, and the fact that you didn’t get it right is an embarrassment to you, your family, society, whatever. You just kind of want to, you have all these tough feelings that you want to deal with, you have to deal with, but at the same time you’re also dealing with embarrassment that this thing should never have happened in the first place.

Simon:

Do you think the sense of shame is similar between men and women, or do you think it’s fundamentally different? Yeah, I think it’s both.

Adele:

Yeah.

Simon:

Okay.

Adele:

I think, and depending on your religious and cultural background, that can be even more extreme. More traditional cultures and people who grew up in a really religious context, this will be off the scale. It’s one of the toughest things that people deal with, certainly clients that we’ve had, this is really hard core for them.

Adele: Because of the strong feelings that you’re experiencing and the embarrassment of dealing with this thing, that makes you want to shove it down, because you’re rejecting, it’s like that shame makes you reject looking at this thing in the first place. Because you’re kind of like, I don’t want to be near this thing. It’s like an insect, I don’t want to touch it. When you talk to people about it, they get uncomfortable and awkward about it.

Adele: You actually only have so many goes with your support network of discussing your divorce before everybody gets kind of uncomfortable because they think it’s contagious. They’re like, “Ooh, I’m going to catch this thing. I don’t want to talk about your bad marriage. My husband and I are strong. We’re strong.” You have all these people come up and go, “We’ve been together 26 years. We’re so happy.” You’re like, why are you telling me that? I’m going through a divorce right now.

Adele: I think that makes you want to reject it, but actually what you have to do, there is no shortcut to healing from an emotional and trauma based thing that you’ve gone through. You have to go through your emotions. You have to acknowledge and own your emotions, and do what’s called process them. Now the journey of processing, what does that actually mean? It sounds so woo woo, but actually it’s really practical.

Adele: When something happens, like a failure, or a shame based trauma like that, the first stages are feeling like this thing has happened to you, that’ll make you feel like a victim. That’s actually quite a normal stage. Do not reject that stage. It’s normal to feel victimised. Almost like, I didn’t want this. When I got married, I wanted everything to be great, and now this thing has happened, I didn’t want this. Victim is your first stage that you will go through.

Adele: Then you’ll oscillate between victim and the next stage, which is survivor, where you start to develop some coping mechanisms. You begin to kind of get on with your day, get dressed, go to work. You can go out a few times. You can talk to friends. You’re surviving, you’re actually coping. Over time your coping mechanisms get more sophisticated, but ultimately they’re wired in a particular way to make you avoid emotion, because that actually just puts you straight back into victim, and actually you prefer the space of survivor.

Adele: Survivor after a long time makes you resigned, which is why in your question you’re like, “Well, I just don’t have the willpower.” You’re actually resigned because you’ve suppressed this emotion because you don’t want to look at it, you’re ashamed of it, you don’t want to go there. Now you’re actually at this place where you’ve survived and coped for so long you just feel like void of emotion, and you’re actually now feeling a bit dead.

Adele: Really processing is about moving to the next two and three stages of the journey. You must get from survivor into a space called learning. Learning is confronting, because you have to then look back on the relationship, and your relationship to relationships, and reflect and process, what are the learnings from this whole situation? What can I be responsible for? What is it that I can see that I stepped over, or I could do better moving forward? What is it that I can learn from all this stuff that’s happened that will help me reflect and move on?

Adele: Learning is a critical component of healing. In fact, healing and learning are synonymous with each other. If you process all the learnings, and you really get to the crux of all the things you can learn, you will then heal. Then healing leads to the next stage of the journey, which is where you begin to have a feeling of victory, and teachings from your journey. You feel a real sense of, I really got over that and I feel kind of wiser for it. When you’re in that wisdom space, then you can, without judgement and preachy-ness, kind of share your own empowerment through the journey.

Adele: I would say in answer to your question, stop feeling embarrassed and ashamed that you’ve gone through this experience. About 50% of the world has had a divorce, at least one. It’s actually more common than you know. You shouldn’t feel like you’re wearing a scarlet letter on your chest, and beating your brow over what has happened. What you’ve got to do is stop the coping mechanism and the short term emotion avoidance tactics that take you out of feeling. You now need to embrace the feeling and embrace the learning. That’s kind of why we designed the Naked Divorce, because it’s a really structured process that takes people through that journey of learning, and healing, and getting to victory.

Adele: Because life is short man, I mean in reading your story, or your question, it indicates a little bit about the space that you’re in, and it’s sad. I feel sad listening to that question, because I’m like, why are you suffering? Suffering is always optional, and we’ve really got to take charge of our meanings that we make in life. You can’t control what’s happened, but you can always control your response to it, and the meaning that you create from it. Let this just be a chapter in a very, very long life, as opposed to now this defines your whole life, and it is a whole drama, and you’re just going to be beaten by it.

Simon:

Yeah. I get the sense, and obviously it’s a simple question, or it’s a short question, and it’s easy to add context to it which perhaps doesn’t exist. I do get the sense that they might even be trying to force potentially in the future, if not now, force a relationship, which maybe they’re just not ready for.

Simon: I mean, from what people I’ve seen go through, when they have gone through the processes, and they have gone through the emotions, which can be a difficult journey for sure, but when they get to the end of them they feel very light, and the idea of a relationship is totally okay. Whereas just a relatively short period of time, a week or a few weeks beforehand was inconceivable, and would have been a bad idea quite frankly. It’s like, yeah, why the hell, why wouldn’t I?

Simon: The conversation I had with people, many are saying that, “I’ll probably never find another partner.” It’s like, well we don’t need to worry about that right now, but actually you will, because we’ve both seen people go through. When they’re clean about it, actually this is kind of a follow up question, but my experience is that pretty quickly they’re really open to dating again, and kind of exploring. Is that your-

Adele:

The thing is, the critical component is, what is your context for dating? If your context for dating is, I’m really lonely and I feel like some broken creature that needs my other half, and I’ve got to find my other half. Then you basically just latch onto Fred, or Sally. You don’t even conduct due diligence. You’re just like, “You’ll do. You make me not feel lonely. Finally, I’m in a couple again. Whew.” That’s not empowering.

Adele: Really what you want to be is whole, and healed, and complete. Then you’re fulfilled as a person, and you’re whole and complete as a person, and you’re back to your empowered self. Because that raises your vibration, which means you will attract somebody at that same level of vibration, as opposed to a whole bunch of people clinging to each other on a life raft.

Simon:

Good analogy. Yeah, I guess if you’re feeling good about yourself, you’re feeling clean, you’re probably going to attract a better quality of person. I mean, to put it quite bluntly, right?

Adele:

Yeah.

Simon:

Cool. All right, so number three. What question do you think I should be asking you? This is also a question that’s come in, not me. What question do you think I should be asking you? I thought that was quite a good question.

Adele:

Do I regret anything?

Simon:

That’s the question they should ask you?

Adele:

Yeah. That’s actually a question that most clients ask me, is there anything you regret in your life Adele? It’s a hard one because philosophically I don’t believe in regrets, because I think that everything that happens in life is an opportunity to learn, and heal, and grow, and that kind of stuff. I think I regret moments where my actions, or lack of action, have unconsciously or consciously hurt other people. I think that is an area of sadness. I think that it’s important on your healing journey that if you have unconsciously or consciously hurt others by your actions or inactions, you must make reparations. Actually it’s an important part of that journey, is to kind of go, “You know what? I hurt somebody there. I’m going to do something to fix that.”

Simon:

Get it out. Cool.

Adele:

Reparation versus regret, it would be for me.

Simon:

Okay. Just hit my funny bone, that really hurt. Next question now, a bit more random. Okay, how do I work out the difference between lust and love? How do I work out the difference between lust and love? I like the way that’s phrased actually, how to work out the difference.

Adele:

It’s a good one actually. Lust is kind of almost has an addictive nature to it. It’s kind of like a can’t get enough of the person, but in a almost unhealthy way. You feel out of balance around that person. You sort of lose your mind a bit.

Simon:

A bit stalker-ey.

Adele:

A bit stalker-ey, but also not so … Yeah, a little bit stalker-ey, because you kind of can get a little bit you want to swallow this person whole and just like completely become engulfed in that situation. You’re completely heady. You don’t work properly. You don’t eat properly. You don’t function properly. You’re not a whole, and complete, and fulfilled human in that space. That’s like when somebody starts dating and they disappear, you don’t see them for a year. They’re in an unhealthy dynamic where they’re not actually being their best selves.

Adele: I think a definition for me would be, if you’re in a real lust relationship, you’re in an addictive situation where you lose your head, you’re feeling completely obsessed and like you must posses this person to feel whole and complete. You can’t function properly and you’re not the best version of yourself.

Adele: I think love, it’s quite quiet. It’s like a quiet knowing. It’s not panicky and full of frantic fraught-ness and anxiety. It’s a very peaceful knowing. Kind of a real connection, where your heart still sings. You still really, you have such a connection and a kindred-ness with the person, but you feel balanced. You can operate. You can work. You can miss the person, but you can still operate properly and work properly. You don’t need to literally be with them 24/7 to feel connected.

Simon:

Interesting. I would have probably tried to describe that quite differently. For me lust is much more of kind of a physical interaction. Visual, physical, sex, kissing, visually, a visual kind of-

Adele:

Okay, because I would have said lust could be either an emotional connection or physical. That’s interesting. You would have said just physical.

Simon:

Yeah. Visual, physical for sure. Whereas for me, love probably has some of that, and maybe even as much, but in addition, or possibly instead of, it’s more of a caring kind of energy. It’s wanting them. For me I think lust is a bit more selfish. It’s all about things that I would receive, sexy time and stuff like that. Whereas love is a lot of genuine still personal enjoyment, but out of giving to that person. I don’t know, cooking for them, or taking them to a restaurant that they would enjoy, or buying them a dress. A bit more of a giving kind of energy, and sort of broader. Walks in the park, or holidays. Whereas lust I personally think is a much more sort of physical interaction.

Simon: Okay. Actually there’s one I did want to not miss, so I’m going to jump to that now. Getting through, this is a bit of a kind of confessional almost initially. Getting through divorce has been terrible. Still no sleeping, no eating, but plenty of grieving for a long time. People say time will heal. A month out and the situation is still immensely and physically decapitating. How will taking an expensive cruise help if only time gone by is the answer? Again, I’ll read that again.

Simon: Getting through divorce has been terrible. Still no sleeping, eating, but plenty of grieving for a long time. People say time will heal. A month out and the situation is still immensely and physically decapitating. How will taking an expensive cruise help if only time gone by is the answer?

Adele:

No, it won’t, because the [inaudible 00:23:40] person you pack in that suitcase is yourself. No, I don’t think any cruise, or whatever, just like removing yourself and putting yourself in a different location is somehow going to make this journey easier. What you need to do is start taking steps to process what has happened, and actually go through a bit of a journey to get yourself out of that horrible pain feeling. Examine it from all angles so that you can learn and heal.

Adele: I mean, I see so many people do this. I don’t know how many of you have ever been to Bali, but if you ruck up in one of these exotic locations, it’s just full of people that have run away to heal. It’s just nonsense, because they’re not actually doing any healing, they’re just congregating over there, and letting their hair grow really long and get kind of hippie-ish in the thought that somehow this is what healing should look like. No, it’s just actually weird, because they stop washing and they get a bit strange. Actually what you need to be doing is actually-

Simon:

Basically not washing is not going to help, is that what you’re saying?

Adele:

It’s not good at all, no.

Simon:

Good to know.

Adele:

Because it’s not a healthy, what we call grounded routine. The reason your emotions are all over the place is probably in your nutrition you’re not helping yourself. There’s actually, in The Naked Divorce we have a whole nutrition plan, and actually writing a book about that. You’ve got to avoid certain foods. You’ve got to have more of other foods, because it will make you have that pain feeling even more. You’ve got to adopt healthy, grounded routines that kind of stabilise you. It’s probably if we had to analyse exactly what you were doing every day, we could probably pinpoint about 10 to 15 things that if you removed them, you would stabilise a lot more, and the emotions would calm down. Yeah, no. An expensive cruise, nah. Save your [inaudible 00:25:45] and do a programme that processes it instead.

Simon:

I mean, it’s a slightly different situation, but I did try the same thing. I remember myself, I had been working as a graphic designer in London for 10, 12 years, and some annoying person invented this thing called the web, and I knew that my, I was working in publishing, and I kind of knew that this spelled the end of my career. I did want to kind of avoid that knowledge, and so I basically went on a tour around the world to have a rethink about my career, redirection, and most of the time I just spent my time in the pub. Having lots of great journeys, and it was a very great time, and it was educational in its own way, but probably about two thirds of the way around I was like, yeah, no lightning bolt has come my way. I have actually got no more idea about which direction I’m going to go in.

Simon: I went and bought a bunch a books. I can’t remember what those were. Found my Parachute was one of the books I bought. Then I did actually do some work on myself, and eventually I did reach a conclusion. I came back, got an interview at the university. Yeah, nothing happened until I had to kind of annoyingly had to go through some process. I found it really hard actually to work out what i was going to do. I guess what we’re saying there that, yes, just a different location in itself isn’t good.

Simon: I would add that there is something to be said for a different location, if you’re doing some work. [crosstalk 00:27:20]

Adele:

I’ve had clients who they’ll take themselves off to a different location and then go and read lots of books. That doesn’t help either, because transformation is not, it doesn’t happen in isolation. You actually have to process it through a structure, and a journey, and you have communications and stuff. Retreats are great, because that’s an opportunity to actually, it’s an intensive learning journey and a healing journey, facilitated and are basically-

Simon:

Sorry to interrupt. I do think when people are in a different location, their mind does expand a little bit, they’re away from having to do the dishes, and the vacuuming, and that stuff.

Adele:

I think that context is good, but it must be a context set up for healing. An expensive cruise is not set up for healing, it’s set up for drinking cocktails and engaging in hundreds of short term emotion avoidance tactics. Okay, great. You can basically say, “I’ve had a good holiday.” I come back from the holiday and i basically unpack the self that I packed originally, and now I’m still in pain and not moved on. It’s just silly.

Simon:

Yeah. Okay. I’m just seen the maid over your shoulder cleaning the windows, which is quite hilarious. I have to ignore her. Okay. I think we’ll probably do one, maybe two more questions. Okay, I’ll do this one actually. This is about you as an author. Now you’ve published several books, what are your top tips for someone planning to write their first book? There’s actually a follow up question, which I’ll give to you now. Are your books the main way that clients find you, or are they the option that your more price sensitive clients can go for to get help if they can’t afford to work with you in person?

Adele: Okay, so I would say first and foremost the reason to write a book in the first place, that’s really where to begin, is to get clear why are you doing it? You’re doing it because you’re committed, you have something you want to say about a particular topic. You want to do some thought leadership stuff in that topic, and you want to add something that no one else has really added. You’ve got to get clear about that. Don’t just write a book so that you can be a published author. You’ve actually got to have a bit of a mission to add something and make something leap forward. You’ve got to have that intentionality behind it.

Adele:

The second thing is, unless you are John Grisham or whatever, you’re not necessarily going to become a millionaire from writing a book. I wouldn’t expect that, and I don’t actually care about that. What it is, is if it’s about making a difference in thought leadership, that’s really the right context.

Adele: It is a way for people who can’t afford my services to engage with my ideas and to do some of my programmes, because I care about that, that’s my mission. I think it’s more that than it is a very definite way that people find us. Yes it is, people do find us through the books and stuff, but I would say that more effective marketing channels are probably online marketing, referrals, talks, podcasts, that kind of stuff. Book is just one of them. It’s just another way that people can absorb your content.

Adele: In terms of writing a book, it takes so much discipline.

Simon:

Let’s not say how long it took to launch the last one. Let’s skip over that bit.

Adele:

Indeed. Let’s not say it. That is our secret. Anyway. I think it’s an immense amount of discipline, an immense amount of dedication and hard work. You’ve got to kind of, the way that I would say it is, I would plan the whole thing out before you write anything. I have mind maps for all the chapters, be like, all right, if this is the problem that we want to solve, and this is the book I’m going to write, this is the problem. Then you break it down. If this was the problem we want to solve, this is all the different aspects and elements of it. I would have each one has its own mind map with its own topics.

Adele: I would basically plan the entire book and every single chapter before you write anything. That’s what I did, and that’s what I do when I write things. You’ve got to have a good editor. I’m really lucky, I’ve got an awesome editor. She’s just an amazing woman who used to work at Penguin. Yeah, and just keep going. You’ve got to structure writing often, and a lot. I find writing around what I’m doing much simpler to do than to go on a book retreat. Book retreats have never worked for me. I get up at like 4:30, 5:00 in the morning, and I’ll write for two hours, three or four times a week, as opposed to disappearing for two weeks where I actually just end up drinking lots of cocktails and forgetting everything.

Simon:

Yeah. I did kind of the same thing. I’ve also written a book a long time ago now, and I felt the mind maps was a really critically essential piece. It didn’t take actually that long, a couple of hours, some quiet time. Maybe allow yourself two or three hours, based on my experience. Come up with a central topic, branch off 10 things which are probably other chapters, and off of those probably come up with 10 items you’re going to include in each chapter. For me what I did was then put an expectation in terms of the quantity of words against each bit. That just gave me something to kind of aim for. Some would be a little bit more, some would be a little bit less. That would be it.

Simon: Okay. All right, so about to do the last question. Don’t think we need a quick pause. Okay we don’t need a quick pause.

Adele:

No, it’s fine.

Simon:

Okay. All right. Now this was written I’m assuming by somebody that English wasn’t their first language, because there’s a few funny sort of typos in here, so I’m going to have to piece this together a little bit.

Simon: It seems nobody stays together anymore. The word, now they’ve actually written convection, but I assume they mean conviction. The word conviction, fighting for each other seems to mean nothing. People are looking for the easy way out. It is exhausting trying to find someone who is ready to fight and stay true to a relationship. The question is, why do you think our society has evolved to that? I think that’s what they’re trying to say. Why has the term conviction died? The core question is, why do you think the society has evolved into a lack of conviction, and why has the term conviction died in relationships, or commitment?

Adele:

I think it’s a great question actually. It really, if you look at how society has changed over the last few decades, there’s this real trend towards instant gratification. We have this kind of, you need something, you go to the internet, you get it immediately, you answer a question, you get it immediately. You order it, Amazon delivers. It’s all super fast.

Adele: In the ’50s and the ’60s we really had this concept of, if something’s broken, you fix it. Nowadays, if something’s broken, we’re more entitled, we’re like, “Well, it’s broken, I don’t want to be around that. I’m just going to get rid of it.” We throw things away much easier, and that’s a real societal thing that is a big trend sweeping particularly western cultures and the western world.

Adele: What I will say is that’s not true for everybody. If you’re attracting that into your world, you’re attracting people that seem to quit all the time, and don’t seem to have much staying power in relationship, and you’re seeing only that, you’ve got to keep in mind that what you see and what you attract is very much-

Simon:

A reflection.

Adele:

It’s kind of given by your context and your own beliefs about the world. If your beliefs are, there’s no one out there that has staying power and that kind of conviction to fight for something, that’s all you will know and all you will attract. You actually have what we call a cognitive dissonance. There’s something within you, which is a belief towards something you don’t want. I don’t want people that have no conviction, but I believe that everyone has no conviction, therefore all I see are people that have no conviction, that’s what I attract. Because what you perceive is what you project, and that’s actually what you will attract into your life.

Adele: What my coaching would be for you is don’t worry about being so right about that point of view, about why the whole world is like that. Yes, there is that happening, but I don’t attract that into my life. I know a lot of people that don’t attract that into their life. You’ve got to ask yourself, why am I attracting that into my life? I would coach you to say you need to do some work, and some healing, and some learning around where does that context for life come from? What are the steps that I can take to actually shift that context so that I can have a more empowering context? Because everything I attract and get in my life will be dictated by my context.

Adele: If there’s some coaching and stuff you want to do, I mean, that’s something we do within our Naked Recovery programmes. We help people shift these kinds of cognitive dissonances and issues. Really what it will be is there’s an unresolved trauma from your past, where that has happened, and either happened time and time again, and you now have evidence that supports that that is what the world is like, but it’s not necessarily true.

Simon:

Yeah. Actually even if it were true on the big scale, that’s actually really relevant to an individual person.

Adele:

Totally.

Simon:

National or international trends, they might be factual perhaps, and I think there is possibly some proof that could be out there to sort of back up, I’m assuming it’s a he for some reason, about that. Actually when it comes to an individual person that’s really irrelevant, and I think that’s a really good point.

Simon: At the same time I do wonder on the big scale if that was true, and I think there could be a number of things that would potentially add to that. I think more people have careers these days, a lot of those careers are much more international than they have been ever in the course of history. That’s a difficult for a relationship, where one partner is maybe moving to America, or New Zealand, or Asia, or wherever. That other person, well they’ve got their own plans, they’ve got their own careers. There’s a lot more dual careers in relationships now than there has been in the past.

Adele:

I think then my point will be, something that has to be said is you have to conduct proper due diligence at the start of a relationship. I think a lot of people that wind up in relationships where there are these fundamental big changes that happen, where their staying power doesn’t happen, at some point you skipped something in the due diligence. You didn’t check, okay wow, she actually does want to have children. Oh wow, actually she doesn’t want to live where I’m living, she always wanted to move back. It might not be that that person doesn’t have staying power. It might be a function of your own lack of due diligence, you didn’t determine issues that would have come along down the track enough in advance, so then it occurs like a conviction problem, but actually it’s just you didn’t do proper due diligence from the get go.

Simon:

I mean, due diligence sounds so kind of corporate, right? I guess if you go on first dates and stuff, you get a feel for somebody, and some of those you know are at best going to be a short term fling, and that’s unlikely to have a lot of staying power. Others could grow into a longer term relationship, so that might be something there.

Simon: Okay, I think we will wrap it up there. Lots of other questions, but I wanted to keep this fairly short, and we’re getting close to the sort of 40 minute market. I think that’s a good kind of size for this event. There’s no pitch. There’s no thing here. We just wanted to give this content to people. We would ask, if people do have any thoughts, if they thought this was valuable to them, just ping us an email to info@nakedrecoveryonline.com. Info@nakedrecoveryonline.com. If this is something that you felt [inaudible 00:40:39] from, this is probably something we’ll do again. If you didn’t, then let us know too, or if you thought there was a better way we could do it. Just really want to get your feedback. If it does engage people, then I’m sure we’ll do this again. I though it was valuable actually. I quite enjoyed doing it. How about you?

Adele:

Yeah, I did actually. I think if you have any more questions, just feel free to send them through. We have enough questions, like I said too, we could do so many sessions out of this. We’ve got like seven or eight sessions we can do now. I think if you just keep the questions coming, we can just do this every few weeks and answer these questions, and try and debunk some of the myths or the misunderstandings that people have in this. Whether it be divorce, or any PTSD, or any trauma that you’re going through in life, I mean that’s what we do. We can answer those questions and possibly assist you along your healing journey.

Simon: Yeah. Just one boring detail there. If you do send an email through to us, just please let us know, this is a question for the Ask Me Anything. Because of course sometimes we arrive at a question like, oh, what the hell are we doing this? It’s not always clearly labelled. That would really Piper, our assistant, to actually understand what’s going on. Just send an email through, info@nakedrecoveryonline.com, and just note there this is for the Ask Me Anything thing.

Okay, that’s it from us. Thank you people. Thanks for listening, and hopefully we’ll speak to you again soon.

Adele:

Thanks. Bye.

Adèle Théron

I have the best job in the world – I help courageous people like you to conquer whatever life trauma you're going through and holding you back so you can get back to living and loving your life. And go on to live a life full of powerful possibilities.

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