Adele Theron - Ask Me Anything

Ask Me Anything #2

Note: Annoying echo on Simon’s mic, but the content is good 🙂

PodCast ⇣


Video ⇣


Transcription ⇣

Simon:

Hello, everybody. This is our second edition of Ask Me Anything, and here we are with Adele.

Adele:

Hello.

Simon:

We had some questions come in. I’ve got some questions from last time. I’ve got some of those left over, and some new questions have come in. We’ve taken a few random ones. Let’s give them a go.

Simon:

“I live in Asia, and Asians frown at the word divorce. It’s the most unforgivable, unpardonable sin in one’s life. Today I have no job, no money, no home, no friends and most of all, no dignity. My brother is no longer working, and I’m drifting away. Is this what life is all about?”

Adele:

It’s very common for many cultures that are conservative, or have a lot of rules and obligations attached to them. Divorce will be incredibly difficult in those cultures. We do a lot of work in Asia, so we have seen this across Asia; that people really struggle with divorce as a shame based trauma is not fitting with their culture, their community, and no one needs to be associated with a failure. But we see the same pattern in the Middle East with clients in Abu Dhabi and Dubai, we see the same in Utah with Mormon clients, we see the same in South Africa with incredibly conservative Dutch Reformed clients.

Your question, although painful, you’re not alone. It is a phenomenon that many cultures and people share, which is very hard to bear and deal with. I think what you have to do is a little bit of research and realise that divorce is quite common, even though in your current context and paradigm it seems like you’re the only one in the world, and you’ve lost everything, and it’s really terrible. What you have to do is get some perspective, and do some research. When you are doing research you’ll find out that between 37-31% of all marriages actually end in divorce, so it’s very common.

Secondly, it’s very difficult for people to go through divorce as a shame based trauma, it’s a very painful trauma to recover from. All the feelings you’re feeling are common of that trauma that you’re going through, but your job is to move through these steps and to get over it. You’re expecting defeat a little bit. It’s implied in your question that life is terrible; you have no friends, no nothing, no job. I think you’ve got to pick yourself, dust yourself off and start fresh. And if you’re not able to do that in your current context or current environment then you need to consider moving. But you’ve got to get back on your feet, and if you’re struggling to do that on your own, then you should find some support and get some coaching to help you process has happened and to help you understand that it isn’t such a terrible thing that has happened to you; that you will recover and you will survive this, you will strive, you will learn, you will grow, and you will have victory at the end of this. It isn’t such a terrible embarrassment or shame to have gone through. 

I think what you’re missing right now is somebody in your corner that is rooting for you, supporting you and helping you process this. And think that should be your top priority. Get perspective, so do some research and find out the truth about divorce. Not just the truth in your particular cubbyhole that you’re sitting in. Secondly, you need to get some coaching and support to help you process this, so that you can move on. Because whatever you’re thinking in the mindset that you have, and the view of the world that you have, you’re going to attract more of that into your world and that’s dangerous for you if you’re in a very negative space. Work through it to get yourself back to a positive space. That’s what I would say. 

Simon:

Quite a comprehensive answer there. Looking at these question, they’re all deep and significant.

Adele:

Maybe it’s a deep and significant day.

Simon:

I think it is. Maybe I’ll find some light hearted ones in there as well. I’m going to jump over to this one; this is also coming from a guy: “Which is more important? Loving the sex, it’s unbelievable but she could be a little more cute, attractive, or she’s really cute and I feel so proud of her in front of my friends.”

If I understand this question correctly, have got two options that there. Does he pick someone where “the sex in unbelievable, but she could be a little more cute and attractive, or someone that’s really cute and I feel so proud of her in front of my friends.”? 

Adele:

[crosstalk 00:06:11] There’s no right answer to this question. At the end of the day, everybody must decide for themselves what’s the important part of it for them. If unbelievable sex is important to you, then you should pick the person that you have unbelievable sex with. But if being proud of your partner, and having a cute partner, and having someone who is aesthetically pleasing next to you is more important, then that’s what you should go for.

I really got into this show in the UK called Love Island, which was more of a psychological experiment. I wanted to see what this was all about.

Simon:

That was your excuse to get into the show?

Adele:

That, and I got addicted. Every second I wanted to understand and know what was coming next. What was interesting for me was watching complete strangers coupling up. We’re trying to figure what were their criteria, and how did they select partners, and what made one person fancy another. When did they have attraction, when did they have a connection, and when did connection move into love? A lot of the things are so projective. One guy was into a woman, and then he discovered that she was a smoker and then he was completely put off and that was it. The dalliance was over. Someone else thought somebody was really good looking, and they fancied them and then they found out that this guy shaved his legs and he was disqualified. What they ultimately found, the conclusion of Love Island was that all these aesthetic, surface level concerns actually meant nothing or equates towards developing deep connection, or a relationship that leads to love.

I think your question is still at the level of that sex, and looks. Even that is a little bit at the aesthetic level. What you’ve really got to ask yourself is what is it you’re looking for in your life. Are you looking for a trophy person that is standing next to you that you can show off to your mates? Are you looking for someone that you can lock up and you can keep in the bedroom that you can just have unbelievable sex with? Or are you looking for a real connection and a relationship that can lead to love? There’s no right answer. You’ve got to figure that one out. But I think your question at this stage it doesn’t indicate that you’re interested so much in the connection part. For me, if I was coaching you, I would ask why? What is it that you are avoiding, and why is that you aren’t interested in forming a deeper connection, and why are you not talking about a connection? Why are you only talking about how somebody looks, or how they perform in bed? Maybe that’s a question for another time. 

Simon:

That’s a fascinating question, isn’t? I think. Let’s listen your answer there. What was going on for me there, I think it’s very easy to initially to go for the none sex option, because the sex is frivolous and perhaps it shouldn’t be heart of a relationship. But the more I think about it, I feel like the way someone looks is more superficial than how the intimacy is between two people. If I were forced to answer this question, I would be tempted to threat them to the person they’re having unbelievable sex with because that I think that indicates a deeper, if you’d like, natural connection than someone you can show off to your mates. I sort of get that, it’s really nice to have a trophy person on your arm.

Adele:

What you really just pointed to is, ultimately, what is your goal? What is it that you’re looking for? What’s your intention? If your intention is to have a trophy person that you can show off to your mates, great. Then, totally pick the cutie that looks nice on your arm. But if your intention and your commitment is to have connection, then the person you’re having that incredible connection, chemistry, and unbelievable sex with, you’re probably going to have a deeper connection with that person that could lead to a relationship. I think we’re only seeing things that are superficial level at this point.

Adele:

If I was coaching this person, I would want to know a lot more detail, because the devil’s in the details, about what kind of relationship do you have with both of these people? Why is it that you’re embarrassed to have this person out with you in public, what’s that about? What is going on? Why do you care so much about what other people think? If you’ve got a great connection with someone, why is that not more important than keeping up with the Joneses or the opinions of others? I think it’s short snippets in somebody’s life. I would definitely be interested in having a much longer conversation with this guy, and get to the heart of the matter.

Simon:

[inaudible 00:12:01] Presumably this person isn’t a certainly unattractive to them because if not I would imagine they wouldn’t be having unbelievable sex, so they must still have some physical attraction. It sounds to me like that is still there to a significant level, but perhaps his other option is even more. But at risk of contradiction to myself, you’ve got a relationship where maybe the sex isn’t amazing, maybe, that can come in time; through talking, through discussing personal preferences, and exploring each other physically together. That could come, right?

Adele:

Not always. It’s actually from the perspective of saving a relationship, that’s one of the things to unwind and to create. I had some fascinating debates of discussions with several women who were ex-prostitutes, and I was fascinated, “every day you guys had to go out there and have sex with random people, but you made them feel like they were amazing, you made them feel like they were the only person in the world. How did you fake that kind of attraction? How did you make that person feel that if you weren’t attracted to them?” What was interesting, one of the people in particular, she said that she found something completely amazing about that person that she could fall in love with, and she made it much bigger, and she magnified that. She found herself completely blowing that attribute out of proportion so that she could really get attracted to that person in a big way. So that she wasn’t faking attractions, she was genuinely feeling attraction and giving her clients the girlfriend experience.

Adele:

The problem is when you’re in a long term relationship, the time period within which to fix a sexual connection problem is within the first year. If you already have a situation where a relationship with the sex is not great, and you’re more than a year into the relationship it is very difficult to unwind that because your history with that person is extensive. And the ability to magnify certain attributes is really challenging when you’re in a long relationship with them because your brain will do a counterargument, it will be like, “he’s got beautiful shoulders.” and then you’ll be like, “but he didn’t take out the trash yesterday, he’s an awful husband.” we need these things that happen where it’s the benefit that the working girls have is they don’t have that familiarity so they can’t zoom in and focus on one or two attributes.

Adele:

A sexual relationship doesn’t always improve with time. If it’s bad in the beginning, it will not always improve with time. That actually takes a lot of work from the couple. Particularly, sex and intimacy coaches that I work with, I think we all pretty much have an agreement that this is one of the hardest things to fix in a relationship, is when that sexual chemistry has died.

Adele:

So they can actually be arguing every day, the communication is terrible, they have nothing in common, but the sex life is great. Then it’s like, “This relationship has a much better chance of actually being saved than another one.” Where they’re brilliant mates, they get on every way and their sex life is terrible, they’re basically just housemates.

Simon:

I think there’s this idea that a partner provides everything they need to their partner, be it sex, love, adoration, great holidays together, perhaps great parents and everything else as well, friendship etc. But, perhaps that’s our idealistic view maybe its a bit more realistic to where actually no one person can provide everything. There probably are some things which have to provided by a partner. Most couples require monogamy, so if sex is a problem then you’re not going to be able to go outside of that relationship for it, so that would be a really key [inaudible 00:16:49] If for example, intellectual stimulation was a problem, you can go on networking. You can go networking once a week, and maybe you can get that fix there, and that would be probably the next step for a thing to do inside a relationship, just to get that [inaudible 00:17:02] There are certain things, and you can choose any one of them that can be fixed externally, at least, allow it to be acceptable to the partner.

I think we’ve covered that question, quite something deep, but fantastic question. 

Let’s jump onto another one, short question but not sure it’s any less intense, “Why would my wife leave me after 27 years married, and leave me for good?” 

Adele:

That’s such a hard one. I actually had somebody a week ago, out of the blue left him after 25 years. And he was dumbfounded and stumped. It’s a really difficult one, and it goes for both men and women. When somebody out of the blue does that, it’s not just such a shock, it’s such a betrayal because if somebody does that for good, that means they probably were feeling like that for quite some time. And they, for whatever reason, didn’t feel that they could communicate that or communicate it in a way that sufficiently stated the seriousness of their feeling, and they just left without working on it. They disappeared, they let the whole thing slide off the cliff, and they [inaudible 00:18:36] they didn’t actually put any effort into doing anything to save the relationship, so that’s a really hard one.

What I would say is that to begin the processing of that, it’s never a mystery. From a forensic analysis perspective, which is very much the kind of coaching and programmes that we write, and prescribe, and work on. You have to go into the detail, you’ve got to actually write down your entire relationship story from the very beginning.

When you actually write the forensic analysis in detail down to your relationship, in almost 99% of cases people find there were bread crumbs all along the journey, where there were things they were stepping over. There were actually moments where they could see that the relationship wasn’t all fantastic. This person did change and become more quiet. Actually, they were probably a bit depressed, or they were unhappy and maybe they were communicating in one way, but they didn’t have the words or the language, or maybe they didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to hurt their partner. They were miserable and didn’t know why and they didn’t know what to do about it to the point where they felt like they were almost under water, and they needed to do something drastic to gasp for air. That’s why people would end a relationship out of the blue, it’s almost, “I must grab air now, I must blow this up. I have to get out of this cage that I’m in and I need to live a different past.”

I think you should write your story down, and very honestly do some analysis to see where can you see the signs began. Your relationship wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t perfect from your side either. You probably just stepped over a whole bunch of stuff because you told yourself it was fine, it was good enough. You were sort of happy, and other couples are also sort of happy you put up with something to a certain extent. I think that begins to put the pieces together.

The other thing I would say is if you can get some support in coaching to get yourself to a more neutral place where you’re less angry, outraged, shocked, and horrified by the moment, and actually more curious and interested as to who this happened, you might actually find that you can engage with your wife in a dialogue. You can say to her, “Look, you caught me out of the blue. I don’t really understand it, but I want you. I can respect your decision, but I want to understand when did this happen for you?” Because I think if anybody was asked that question in a nonangry, nonconfrontational way by somebody who was truly curious and what wanted to learn and grow, they’d probably answered that question honestly. I think half the reason people end marriages out of the blue, and disappear, and ghost their exs is they fear the splash back, the anger, the vitriol, the blaming, “how could you?” the outrage and all that stuff. And they fear that confrontation.

In my experience, seeing this time and time again, people that lig it out of their relationships they fear confrontation. They don’t like hurting people, and they don’t want to create a drama. But, by not expanding themselves they create a drama anyway. You’ve got to make it easier for them to tell the truth, or you need to do your own analysis to see if you can find all the things you stepped over along the journey and the bread crumbs that will point to the truth for yourself.

Simon:

I think that’s very true. Just thinking about this as talking, what comes up to me is a couple of things is, either there’d be bread crumbs there that could be with hind sights or physical. It must exist even they’re subtle, even if they’re in a communication style that that person is not receptive to, maybe is nonverbal, for example. Or it’s written but not verbal, or vice versa. Or he’s a behaviour, but if it’s really been hidden for some time that probably means that whatever that thing was missing they found elsewhere. That’s why it wasn’t visible because she wasn’t getting it serviced.

If it wasn’t being serviced that would reveal in anger, it would come up in random conversations because there’d so many not being addressed. If it was being addressed by an external source, for example an affair and if it was very well hidden, it would land as a surprise because there wouldn’t be a need to progress this frustration with this thing not being met because it’s already getting it met elsewhere. Suddenly, the day come where they decide to call it a day, to jump ship, they’ve got a better offer or diss in their eyes.

That’s when I think it appears to be the most out of the blue situation. Of course, I cannot say that situation here, but I need to be honest that’s what’s coming up for me. I think that is a possibility. 

Adele:

I think that’s astutely put, but also sometimes, there is so much outrage at the shock of this person doing what they’ve done. It almost puts them further in distance, and in a corner where they actually don’t want to talk about what was missing in the first place, so that’s just a label, “she’s had a middle life crisis, and she’s blowing everything up. In fact, every one thinks she’s crazy now, and she’s just lost it.

I think there’s so much labelling that can go on. I think people get silent because they fear some judgement , and they fear that no one is going to understand how they feel. They can’t put into words how they feel, they’re trying to gasp for air, they’re trying to figure out how they can get out of the situation that they’re in and they don’t really know how they can do that. Sometimes, it is the cowardly way to end it without much explanation. Maybe they didn’t actually know how to say it. But I think if the person was more curious and asking questions, and trying to take a look like, “how did we get into this situation?” because it’s not actually “she blew this up.” People don’t drop relationships that are awesome. How did we get into this situation, what can I be more responsible for on my side as well?

Simon:

Let’s move onto another question, “Why is it so hard for your wounded heart to let go?”

Adele:

I think a lot of it is because of the future that you were living into with that person. The expectations and everything associated with that. When you get married you a whole picture image of a movie that you’ve designed and this is what life is going to look like. And as human beings, we get attached to those pictures and movies that we create. That’s why, I think, for a lot of people we get stuck in a comfort zone because we get so attached to this picture. The thought of blowing it up or it disappearing is incredibly confronting and it challenges your psyche, it challenges who you are as a person, it challenges absolutely everything.

I think the wounded heart struggles to let go because of those expectations, and being married to the picture of what life was supposed to look like. Neuro biologically, the wounded heart is physically aching as well because of all the hormones and neurotransmitters that are flying around the body when you go through a shock or trauma. It makes your heart ache when there is too much dopamine. It makes you not want to eat and you feel nauseous, and you feel so wounded, almost physically incapacitated as well. That combined with this feeling of the future that has been snapped and pushed away, it really is a battle to let go. I think the only way to let go is you’ve got to process what has happened, which means you need to go on a bit of a journey where you examine all the elements, and depths you’ve gone through so that you can learn, heal, and get to the other side of it and feel a sense of accomplishment or realise, understanding or knowing; that helps the wounded heart to put a lot of this to bay.

Simon:

Next question, “How does someone avoid, or how does someone work on their jealousy?”

Adele:

I think jealousy is an interesting one. I think all human beings in some form or another will be jealous of something at some point. You can never say, “I’m not jealous of anything. I’ve never been jealous of anything in my life.” There’ll be certain things in life that you will have a tendency towards jealousy. I think anywhere where you feel this lack or destity some way. If you feel in yourself, “maybe I’m not good enough, or maybe someone else is better. Or in work, maybe I’m not smart enough, maybe someone else is smart enough, or smarter than me. Or in a sport or a hobby that you do, maybe they’re better than me. Maybe they’re going to beat me, and I feel jealous of their accomplished.

I think in all these different arenas, in anywhere where we think wherever we are isn’t good enough. And wherever somewhere else is, is better. We’re comparing and contrasting where we are in comparisons to somebody else. I think that can create that feeling of imbalance, that feeling of lack, and abundance over there with the other person. If you want to get rid of, or use the amount of jealous that you’re feeling, I think it’s really about healing starts over here. It’s got nothing to do with what’s over there. You don’t stop being jealous of someone over there just by looking at them, and then going, “They’re not all that. They’re not that great anyway.” It’s focusing in here, and going, “I’m enough, I’m good enough. Where I am is good and I feel good about stuff and I am okay, and it’s okay that they’re brilliant too, and there’s more than enough love and awesomeness, and success and intelligence to go around. We are all great. I’m looking to celebrate my successes, I’m going to celebrate other people’s successes. If I think someone else is more beautiful, or more attractive, great.”

Let’s celebrate to beauty and attractiveness because she is beautiful and attractive, and we should talk about that and not try and pull her down to make yourself feel better. And think some way if you think someone is smarter than you, celebrate their smart, celebrate their successes from their perspective. I think celebration comes from a place of abundance, and there’s more than enough to go around, and I think you realise there is jealousy to a certain extent.

Simon:

What we don’t know with this question is if it’s inside a relationship, or after the relationship has ended, and I wonder if they’re feeling jealous about their current partner, or an ex. I’m not sure that changes the answer at all, it’s probably quite interesting. Jealous does have a purpose. There’s usually some pros and cons to any free emotion. Well, there is pros and cons to every emotion. There is a positive side to jealousy could inspires us to make more of ourself be physically or intellectually. It can useful, right?

Adele:

Yes, I think it can be useful. It’s all about the context of the jealousy. If you’re just experiencing jealousy and then getting scarce and angry, and evil, and resentful about it, you’re going to pull back and pull that person do or rejoice when they’re pulled down, or rejoice when the have a bad day, or they get kicked in the teeth, or something. I think it’s not particularly nice to do that. It’s not particularly evolved either.

I always think whether it’s an ex or you’re jealous because somebody has run off with somebody else, and you’re jealous of that situation, or you’re jealous of them; you’re jealous of your ex moving on faster than you have, or you’re jealous because you went out somewhere and you saw your ex with somebody else, or you’re in a relationship, or you see your partner dancing with somebody and you get really angry because they’re dancing with that person. What neutralises all of it is to remind yourself that you’re great. You’re great as you are. If you feel that some boundary has been broken in the context a relationship, then you need to have a conversation about that. But in terms of the scenario of exs, and being jealous of people moving on quicker, or exs where you’re jealous they are with somebody else, you’re jealous of their relationship, I think it’s about reminding yourself that you’re great, you’re awesome and good things are going to come into your life. And if you focus on good things coming into your life, and you focus on yourself having good luck, success, abundance, you will attract that and manifest that.

Simon:

I’m getting the next question, and it’s quite long. The question itself isn’t very clear, I’m going to read out what we’ve got in, and then we’ll kind of distil it and try to pick out a question from it, so bare with me.

“Why can’t I believe in myself? I really can become financially independent. I’m just [inaudible 00:35:16] and I like focus because I don’t feel safe to the core of my being. I feel fear at this [inaudible 00:35:22] around me not being there. And the full cost feels as though I will with my dogs age…”

I’m a little bit lost here.

“…and my pasta landlord who is part of the safety net that’s been holding me.”[inaudible 00:35:37]

So there is some fear around the court system. “Adele, I have complex PTSD, and I believe I have had it since childhood, and have had a tremendous healing in the past decade. I want to be more certain, and make choices for the business [inaudible 00:35:58] so, for the choices of my business I can make, but personally I don’t esteem to. I desperately need to be able to get financially stable and stop living in lack fearing, and fearing that I will be alone, broke etc.” 

So the core question here is, “why can’t I believe in myself, I really can become financially independent?”

Adele:

I think a lot of our beliefs lead to what we call a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you’ve really got a God. What you believe and you tell yourself, and the thoughts that are running in your mind because it shapes your entire universe. It’s the believe that you have that there is not enough money, and I don’t know how to get some, and I don’t feel that I can make enough money and there isn’t enough around. If there’s something negative about becoming financially independent or having financial success, you’re at risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by attracting what your worst fears into your life. So if you have complex PTSD, you absolutely need to get treatment for that because what complex PTSD does do is it creates a whole raft of messing with your core belief system, and creating what we call a cognitive dissonance, where your global views and world views about the life and universe is massively disrupted. And if your trauma, or the thing that you have experienced have actually disrupted you at a deep level where you’re afraid of the world, you don’t feel supported by people, that’s absolutely going to have to do with owning and making money. Get over your trauma, get that processed, and then begin to map out what your believe system is as a result of all trauma you’ve had in your life, and just in general, what are your belief systems?

We have a programme where we examine a great amount of detail what all the cognitive dissonances are in your core belief, and how you can rewire that and transplant a more successful belief system into your life, and we do that with a combination of NLP and clinical hypnotherapy. But we are basically extracting these negative beliefs, but there is no point in just extracting negative beliefs if you don’t also have a coach or a support, or somebody that is actually monitoring and helping you develop better habits with your language. If you are talking yourself down all the time, talking negatively all the time, in every moment it doesn’t matter what you tell yourself what your positive beliefs need to be, you are writing the script for negative life.

Language is one of the most important things you’d have to monitor and get on top of. You’ve got to really have that positive language, and you’ve got to have your worst deeds actions and all your commitments and what you’re doing have to be congruent in existence. If you’re telling yourself, “My belief is on my [inaudible 00:39:41] and I’m awesome.” and then two days later you’re like, “I’m never going to make money, I’m shit at making money.” You just undid whatever you tried to do before. You’ve got to have absolute congruence to have success. That way every action you take it starts the attraction, and then you hit momentum, and then you start attracting those opportunities in your life.

Simon:

That’s really good, and what comes up to me is the most important coach any of us actually have is ourselves. We’re constantly coaching ourselves, “I’m good at this, I’m bad at that” and that internal dialogue is so important. And if an external coach is saying one thing, that’s great, and they can perhaps pull them in the right direction. But if that internal voice is still there, still strong, then it’s an uphill battle. So there definitely needs to be a frying work, mind work mind shift there. Could really come up in the language they use, right?

Moving onto the last question for today. I actually spoke to this, so I know a little bit about whose background’s this is. ” I was married for 25 years to a man who couldn’t love me.” She has now left the relationship, and she’s got a lover for the last four years, and that lover is married and he’s decided to give that marriage another go. So it’s a huge irony here, right? “How do I heal from this without losing my mind?”

Adele:

The bigger areas that we focus on within Naked Recovery is this whole question of if they’re recovering? One of the most difficult things for people and clients that we work with that have had affairs, they said, “Everything is happening in secret” it’s all under the radar, quiet. So when you’re in turmoil and agony the morning of that relationship also happens in secret. How do you come out and say, “actually I’m wounded because my lover has dumped.” It’s a really difficult thing to recover on your own, and it’s not an easier journey to navigate on your own. What I would say is you absolutely have to get support through this. If you’re getting stuck, you’re getting stuck because you’re in the neighbourhood of your mind, and your mind is a bad neighbourhood right now, this is not a good neighbourhood to be in. You’re in dark and dingy territory. You need to get yourself a nice fire stole clearing, and you can’t do that if you’re just working on your own. There aren’t cool helps or techniques, or things that I can give you, “just try these 5 things and you’ll be fine.” No, you literally need somebody that you can tell everything to that is going to help you navigate and process all things that you are going through.

At the end of the day, it’s a bit of a hazard. It’s a hazard of having an affair, and it’s awful to say that cause it sounds so callous, but its what you accepted when you took this one, unconsciously. You betrayed your married vows. You got into another relationship and this is unfortunate has it that sometimes happens. It’s the same kind of situation where I had an ex who got really upset because his partner his had run off with his best friend, but he was in an open relationship, I was like, “that’s kind of the hazard of being in an open relationship, and sometimes these things happen.” It’s accepting without beating yourself up or getting too depressed about it, it’s sort of, “it’s a hazard, it sucks but how do I move on?” How you move on is not on your own. Transformation like this doesn’t happen in isolation and you definitely need a confidant that is going to walk with you through this and to process what has happened.

Ultimately, you need to accept that this is the choice that your lover has made. You have to honour that, there is some honour to completing something before you move on to the next thing.

Simon:

I think it’s a really fascinating question. I think it’s a really difficult one. I think you’ve brought up an interesting point about the sole secrecy of it that means you don’t have the normal outlets, you need to take about this sort of stuff. [inaudible 00:44:50] I should point out I can’t recall the question doesn’t explain if the four years with their lover was while he was married or not, I can’t recall that right now. But it’s already got lots of infamy because she, in her words, married to somebody for 25 years who couldn’t love her. She found someone that kind of did love her, but that guy is committed to his marriage more than her ex was. So the [inaudible 00:45:25] is that she did attract the right guy, unfortunately because he was the right guy, backfired on her because he’s a go with his marriage, doesn’t know if it’s going to work or not. But it makes me think he’s a good guy, so maybe [inaudible 00:45:43] is that she did attract a good guy, and she can attract a good guy again, maybe.

I think we wrap it up there. Thank you for [inaudible 00:45:56] in the questions to us. Thanks Adele, for answering some pretty difficult questions.

Adele:

They were pretty difficult, those were quite hardcore.

Simon:

We did have one about Arsenal, I think that’s actually a harder question, so maybe we’ll put in there next time.

One quick announcement, which I meant to do earlier. If people are listening, to give a little bit of when it is, we will be launching our treats in New Zealand in the start of 2020. Information is a little short right now in terms of the exact dates, but we’ll be launching those from kind of the second week in January 2020. If that’s something that appeals to people, pin us a message usually way, and we will give you more detail as soon as that become available. 

Any last words or thoughts?

Adele:

No, it’s so heartening that we get this stream of questions that come in every week from people. I know sometimes in some of these forums and groups can feel a little bit shy about posting a question, but you are always so welcome to send in your questions, and we can answer them in this kind of format. Some of them are a bit complicated, and we didn’t get it quite right feel free to send us another question so actually have a better shot at answering the question correctly, because all that detail is quite important to have the context to answer the question at a deeper level, otherwise we don’t get it right.

Simon:

It can be hard to interpret some of these questions, but we give it our best shot. That’s all from us. Thank you, and that’s quite enough.

Adele:

Thanks, everyone. Bye.

Adèle Théron

I have the best job in the world – I help courageous people like you to conquer whatever life trauma you're going through and holding you back so you can get back to living and loving your life. And go on to live a life full of powerful possibilities.

1 comment

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